Epiphany

I learned an important lesson this past week. I can't believe it took me so long to come to this realization.
This started last week when Mike finally met with his advisor on his Masters project (the one he turned in a week before the end of the semester). Of course, we were all hoping the professor would (if for no other reason than shear pity) pass it off and we would finally be done. (Notice the use of the pronoun "we" in that sentence. Though I have contributed nothing but a last minute edit and nagging encouragement - somehow the thing has glared out at me from MY "to-do"list for a year and a half now.) So Mike called and announced the obvious - which from my state of wishful thinking ("this thing can't POSSIBLY get drug out any longer") came as a shocking blow - that the project needed a couple of changes before he would pass it & to meet with him in 2 weeks. My next question, "Do we have to pay for ANOTHER semester's tuition?" "Yes." At that moment I didn't know whether to take my frustration out on Mike ("I can't believe you've let this happen!") or his professor ("How can he make us enroll in another semester for 2 weeks!?" ). Thankfully, I didn't say anything in that moment that I would later regret, but I'm sure Mike could feel the disgust in my silence. The rest of the day I spent trying not to think about flushing yet another $1500 we don't have down the drain...and wondering why the man can't just FINISH the thing.

Mike worked until about 11:00 PM, and the next morning he was sleeping in as usual (even though I go to bed at the same time). And, as usual, there I was prodding him to get out of bed before 9:30 rolled around - because we have things that have to be done. Then it hit me. I realized all at once that I had been colluding with him in his tendencies to procrastinate and not discipline his life more - because I make his responsibilities MY responsibilities. I tell him what to do. Should I be surprised if he resists a little? Or gets used to letting me worry about everything? The light bulb clicked on.

I woke him up to tell him that THIS was the problem (having to be told even when to get out of bed in the morning). I was mothering him and he was depending on me to do it, and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I told him he could finish his Masters or not finish it if he wanted to - but that HE would have to face the consequences of his choices. He could work out how to pay for the tuition. ...I think the whole conversation surprised him (it did me too).

Since then... The difference is apparent. I feel better (not fighting the losing battle of dictating an other's life) and I think Mike does too (it's got to give a person more self-respect and power to control one's own choices - for better or worse). And Mike is stepping up.

The moral of this story is: the changing that had to be done was my own. I was trying to control things that were not mine to control and predictably I was disappointed. Mike is mortal -(I know, it was a surprise to me too) he has weaknesses - but by trying to make him do the right thing I think I've managed over time to make things worse. (I remind myself of who's plan it was to force everyone to be perfect.) Amazingly, the freedom from that burden came instantly. Still, I have to remind myself - because old habits die hard. (That should be the title of the next Bruce Willis movie.)

Epilogue: Mike really wants to do law school. With a sense of comic irony I say, "Okay, Mike." I'm sure it will go more smoothly without me trying to do it for him.