Parting

On Friday May 23rd at about 4:00 PM we put Jupiter down. I have to say the pain of the experience has been more intense than I expected.

Jupiter came home from that fateful veterinarian appointment two weeks before and seemed unchanged in many ways. We fed him only soft food from then on, and at first he wasn't sure about it, but then realized it was awesome. He looked forward to meal times, which I began to conduct in the kitchen so I could give him his antibiotic and so I could see that he was eating. This was an added treat for him, being allowed in the house to eat. At times he seemed so normal it was hard to believe that he was dying. Mike even wondered if he might not live another year or two despite the tumor. The kids willingly took Jupiter on daily walks, and he seemed excited by all the added attention. When word got out around the neighborhood that his days were numbered all the neighbor kids made a point to love on him more than ever. I am sure his last weeks were a pleasure to him.

His last Sunday, 5 days before he died:


DSCN6638 from Angie Melton on Vimeo.

One week after his diagnosis Mike looked in his mouth and could see that the tumor was almost twice as big as before. And at that point we knew that it wouldn't be long. On Thursday he seemed more unwilling to get out of bed or to eat his food, though he finally did. That was his last meal. He refused to eat anymore Thursday and started to bleed again. Mike washed out his mouth that evening and brought him to sit on the grass while he mowed. Jupiter stayed close by. He tried to take him on a walk around the block and for the first time EVER Jupiter refused to go for a walk. He stopped on the sidewalk in front of the house next door, and would go no further. I think we all knew the time had come.

On Friday morning I asked Jessie to take Jupiter out in the morning. She came back and told me he wouldn't come. Together we were finally able to coax him outside, but he seemed like he was too weak to stand. Again he refused to eat. He actually approached his dish at one point like he was hungry, but then turned away. He drank a little water here and there, and it seemed like the bleeding had stopped. I took his bed out to the back patio so he could lay on it. The kids who were home loved on him for a long time. I couldn't get a hold of Mike so I called my mom to ask what I should do. Should I call the vet and make an appointment for him to be put down? Should I wait? The long Memorial Day weekend was starting, so I knew we had to decide right away. I also knew I couldn't do it by myself. Mom said if I needed, my dad would come and take him to the vet for me. I have goodly parents.

I called the veterinarian's office and I am sure I sounded so foolish. I could hardly get the words out to explain who I was and what I wanted and as soon as I did I started to cry to the lady on the phone. She was very compassionate. I am sure I wasn't the first blubbering pet owner she's talked to. She told me their availability, and that they would be closed Sunday and Monday for the holiday. I had to make the call. It had to either be that day or wait until the next Tuesday, three days away.  I made an appointment for 3:00 that afternoon. Then I called Mike.

I had a hard time leaving Jupiter at all that day, but when I was with him I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I talked to him about the day we picked him out at the shelter. I talked to him about how Noble specifically wanted the big hyper black lab, and then named him Jupiter the Space Donkey after being bowled over by him on the grass.  I talked to him about what a good dog he had been, and how much we loved him, and thanked him for loving us. Toward the end of his life there seemed to be a gravity in his eyes when he looked at you, a knowing look. Not necessarily knowing that the end was coming but knowing his place, if that makes sense. I loved him more than ever the last few years because of that old-dog wisdom, and his patience.

That day was surreal. Going through the daily motions, with this looming trauma. I tried to make him comfortable. I tried to spend time with him. But then I had to get busy so I wouldn't be so overwhelmed by sadness. He laid on his bed all day. I went back and forth between marking the moment with Jupiter, talking to him about what he means to us, crying and caressing him, and trying to be cheerful and normal with him to make his last day less depressing. Friday was a tough day (not just because of Jupiter - we had some other bad news in the family that added to the blackness of the day). I cried almost the entire day. I had to compose myself long enough to pick up some sushi at Harmon's and take it to Grace at school for her birthday lunch. I also had to think about the fact that  Mike and I had tickets that night to 311, and had a whole overnight trip planned around it. It was the last thing I felt like doing on a day like that, but we had the tickets and the hotel reservation...

At 1:00 I picked the younger kids up from school and broke the news.  There were many tears. Then I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the kids and Grandma and Grandpa who would be staying the night with them. From there I went straight to check Jessie out of school early so she could come with us to take Jupiter (she'd made me promise I would). Mike got home at about 3:00. We had to rush to get Jupiter to the vet, but first we had all the kids say their goodbyes, and Noble asked to take one last family picture with him. I am glad we did. Even though I definitely look like I'd been crying all day and un-showered...which was the reality.

 The girls both wanted to come to the vet with us. Noble absolutely refused to go. I understood. He and Tillman stayed home with the little boys.
Jupiter seemed to perk up at the end, to the point that we wondered if we were making the right decision. He even jumped up into the back of the Expedition himself. When we got to the vet they took us into a side room with a sofa and a dog bed that they apparently use specifically for saying goodbye. I appreciated that because I didn't want to sob in front of people.

When the veterinarian's assistants brought the paperwork for us to sign we asked if the Dr. would look at him one more time to make sure we weren't jumping the gun or anything. He came back and talked to us for a while. He looked at Jupiter's mouth and showed us the growth of the tumor. He also said it was very normal for an animal to perk up like that with the car ride and the new sights and smells.  Still Mike and I were a little unsure. They told us they were fine with whatever we decided to do. But as we thought about it, we knew that this was the best decision. We didn't want to make him suffer through not eating for 3 more days before the office would be open again, and before he was so bad off that there would be no question that it was time. The Dr. said he was strong enough to probably survive the weekend without eating but that it would just be prolonging the inevitable, and that once they stop eating things go downhill very fast. We decided to go through with it.
I expected that they would take him to the examination rooms to do it, but they actually put him down right there in the room with us. I was grateful, but it was very hard. They took him back to put a catheter port in his leg, and then brought him back. The vet explained the procedure.  Mike got down on the ground with Jupiter. The girls and I sat on the couch and held a hand on him through the process. The Dr. gave him the first shot that made Jupiter fall asleep. When he slumped down with the first dose, it all became real and I could not stop crying. Then he gave the second drug that would stop his heart. The vet listened to Jupiter's heart till it stopped beating and Mike watched Jupiter's eyes. He said they glassed over about the time the vet whispered that he was gone.
We cried. A lot.
This experience was painful...but I wouldn't change it. We had ten years with a dog who was sometimes a source of frustration, and once or twice, a police visit, but mostly love and joy and fun. He grew up with our children. He made us laugh. He lived to be with us and make us happy. How cool is that? Dogs are noble creatures.
 It was so painful to watch him decline. It was SO painful to have to choose to end his life. It is painful now to live every day without Jupiter the Space Donkey in our world. I wish he could have stayed with us longer. But the memories are wonderful. We love that dog. I don't think we knew how much we loved him till the end. Isn't that always how it is? We take so many things for granted. We look forward to seeing him in heaven some day if that is possible. I hope so.

So Mike and I made it to the show that night. I didn't feel like going, but we went.

One of Mike's favorite 311 songs is called "Jupiter". Unknown to me, Mike had sent out a tweet before the show and tagged members of the band. On our way to the hotel room after the show, Mike checked Twitter, and discovered that P-nut (aka Aaron Wills, bass player for 311) had tweeted back.

 That was awesome. It made me smile at the end of a long and emotionally exhausting day.  Respect to Jupiter indeed.

As a post script, it will be a comfort for some of you to know that Jupiter was taken by the vet to be buried at his farm in Delta, the land of our nativity, and now the land of Jupiter's inheritance.

Jupiter the Space Donkey
2004-2014
RIP
Forever in our hearts.

Bad News for the Space Donkey

This morning bright and early I dropped Jupiter off for what we hoped would just be a tooth extraction. A few hours later I got a phone call from an old neighbor, the father of my best friend growing up -- who happens to be a vet at this office and called to break the news to me himself (thank your dad for me, Bren). Gil, aka: Dr. Orme, said that it was bad news. The swelling was from a tumor, not an abscess.

Jupiter the Space Donkey has cancer.

Dr.Orme laid out our options -- but really the best option is to enjoy the time we have with him, and put him down as his quality of life diminishes. He was concerned that the cancer may have already spread to his bones, because he was very anemic and his body doesn't seem to be making new blood cells.

So...not sure how much time Jupiter has. Maybe a week or two? Maybe months? Gil said it depends on how aggressive the tumor is, and there's no way to know.

I cried a little on the way to the veterinarian's office to pick him up.

Yesterday I hoped that we might have more than a few years left with him, and now today it looks like it will be even less than we thought. I explained everything to the kids this afternoon, and told them we just needed to make the most of the time he has left. It will be hard to say good bye, but I am really grateful that he won't have to suffer through years of old age before he dies. Other than the tumor, he is in fantastic health for his age. Now, as he begins to loose quality of life we will know what we're dealing with, and can put him down. Good old boy.

These two are the same age...they've grown up together. 

Of Note

It's Mothers Day 2014. As a Mother, these are the things I value. Memories.

Easter Morning 2014 (tired out after arriving home the night before from Goblin Valley)

Sully starring as "The Spoon" in the kindergarten program. Look at that gleam in his eye! He delivered his lines with panache  (eliciting laughter from the audience with his comedic timing), and executed his dance sequence with "The Dish" flawlessly. He was outstanding!

Big kids all: the Melton's are now a crib-less family. Abner graduated to Sully's bed and Sully graduated to Noble's old bed...(the older boys got new beds.)  With this milestone, and the recent registration of our oldest child in high school, all that remains is to clear the potty training hurdle, and we will be well on our way to "older family" status (as opposed to "young family"). Time is slipping away.

Another clue that life is changing: Jupiter the Space Donkey has lost some of his spring. I took him to the vet this weekend to look at a bleeding sore in his mouth. It looks like it's just an abscess. They are going to pull one of his teeth tomorrow. They said they will know if it's anything more serious once they get the tooth out, and get a better look.

At the vet's office I couldn't help but notice how grey his muzzle was as he sat on the waiting room floor...while younger, more energetic dogs trotted through. It occurred to me that the staff seemed to be especially gentle with him, talking to him sweetly, like they would a very old and infirm person. They told me over and over what a nice boy he was, and patient.
 I thought about our years with him. It's funny how all the obnoxious things he does/used to do suddenly become so endearing. We've known he is getting older, but the other day we happened to read that a lab's average life span is 10-12 years.

I hope we have longer than that.

He is 10.5.

Here he is taking it easy after his evening dose of medicine. Back to the vet in the morning.

Goblin Valley Revisited

Casey Bert descending into Goblin's Lair

 I had a pretty hectic week last week. There was the usual craziness of keeping up with a big family: packed calendar, driving, errands, cooking, etc. I also had a talk to prepare for church on Easter,  a primary lesson to put together,  Easter festivities to plan and shop for, and our camping trip to Goblin Valley.  On top of all that, I developed a bad tooth ache Tuesday night, for which I went in the next day for an emergency root canal. I lost a whole day and half on that between the pain and drugs, and spent the rest of the week trying to catch up...just in lost sleep alone. (That first night I didn't sleep two minutes together because all I could do was chew ice to keep the pain under control.) It worked out alright. I was able to see an endodontist fairly quickly the next day...And let me tell you that root canal was a blessed relief! My Dad took Abner back to their house, where he was well cared for by my sisters. My mom came to the rescue again. She came and stayed with me all day, took me to my appointment, made dinner for my family and washed and folded all my laundry. She is an angel.
With all this (my root canal happened a day before our scheduled departure for Goblin Valley), there was a moment or two when I considered calling off the camping trip. But we had had the big group site at Goblin Valley reserved for many months, and plans with family...so no matter what else came up on the docket we were going to Goblin for what has become our annual tradition. It's a good thing that Helen is such an event planner. The way I roll, I think if everyone shows up that's good enough, every man for himself -- but Helen put together a general itinerary of events and coordinated some food so that we had a big breakfast all together both days. It made things really nice. She did all this while battling with pregnancy-induced nausea. Women are amazing!

We hit some new sites this year. Casey lead and expedition south of the Valley of the Goblins to rappel into a cavern called the Goblin's Lair. I didn't get to go on this one this time...I was doing battle with a certain 2 year old. Between the 2 year old with his attitude problem, and the 5 year old who had multiple potty catastrophes...I wasn't a very happy camper that day.

Wish I could have gone to Goblin's Lair; the pictures were amazing!

Surfacing at the jumping-off point.

My two very capable brothers. If I ever find myself in a survival situation...or if my car breaks down, these are the two I want with me.
This picture made me tear up a little. They are the best brothers in the world, book-ending a family otherwise full of girls. They take good care of us. 

Noble getting ready to take the plunge.

Noble's buddy at the bottom of the Goblin's Lair rappel. Happy to still be alive. 

Noble's friend joined us on this trip. He says he had a great time, despite the fact that we scared the heck out of him with the rappelling.

In the afternoon we drove north behind the reef to check out a canyon we'd never hiked before. We just hiked a couple of miles in and then back out. Mom and Dad drove out there with us, but then passed on the hike. Here they are in the truck as they were leaving. I wanted to get some documentation of dad wearing his "town hat". He has this old cowboy hat that was ruined in a down pour on a trail ride once (with a couple of my kids). When he got home he took some scissors and cut away the ruined outer brim of the hat, and he wears it around just to irritate Mom. He wears it anywhere and everywhere if Mom is around. She hates it. It's very endearing. It looks like a goofy ten-gallon fedora. I love my dad. ha ha ha

Later the next day we visited the valley proper. It was incredibly crowded up at the parking lot (Spring Break weekend? We should have known.), but once we got down in the hoodoos we barely noticed.

Sean and J in the valley

Mike took this picture back in the formations around camp. I just LOVE the forced smile on Abner's face.

 Always good to be back at Goblin Valley. Thanks everyone for coming!

My Sister Had a Baby

We are so blessed! Baby Eisley Jane joined our family a week and a half ago. She came almost 4 weeks early, and had to stay in the NICU until yesterday. But she's HOME!!! I was grateful to have been there (only because I was the designated photo-chronicler of the event) to witness miracles. What an amazing experience! The Lord is truly aware of each of us. Including this precious baby girl and her parents. Congrats Bendy and Roy!

Moments at Home

I know that my mom will be mortified that the cat is allowed to sit on the office desk. But isn't she sweet there with the kids' Easter window decorations in the background, surveying the street? (Mom, I am telling you she is a calming influence. You should let Smudge in more. It would be good for your stress levels...ha ha ha.)

Patrick the hamster and Pluto the cat... regarding one another.

General Conference

Hair cuts (long over-due) after Saturday sessions. Before (still happy).

After (mad as heck...note the tear on this right cheek). Jessie performed a valiant service, holding him still while I clipped his long locks.

Abner later got over his angst...Tillman not so much. (He was still mad that I clipped his hair too short to sculpt into spikes and faux-hocks and other trending coiffures. Sorry dude. It will grow.)

The mood swings so exhausted Abner that he crashed soon after.

Abner kickin' it with his bff. As wild and crazy as he is, how is it that he gets along best with such a sweet little girl? And how is it that she has such a good time with him? Life is full of mysteries. Like how he sits perfectly still and calm and listens intently while she sings her dramatic toddler rendition of "Let it Go". Abner, who wouldn't sit through that movie for any type of bribery.  My only explanation is that men and women were meant to compliment each other. Here's proof.

The Boys in Dixie

Mike had the genius idea of taking the oldest 2 boys down to St. George a few weeks ago for a little guy bonding. He drove them down the weekend before their spring break. They did some long boarding and spent a day hiking in Zion before Mike headed home that Sunday, leaving them with Grandma and Grandpa for a week of mano a mano...or should I say dos a dos?

This picture almost made my heart stop...no matter how many times Mike assured me they were perfectly safe.

Mike doing a DP commercial atop Angel's Landing (Photo Cred: Tim Melton)

After Mike left, Howard and Tim (so glad Tim drove up from Vegas to spend that time with them!) kept the boys busy with multiple trips to the fishing pond up the hill (and subsequent fish-fry's), outings to the rec. center pool, shuttling the boys to the top of the their preferred long-boarding hill again and again, and up to Sand Hollow.

Tillman's face is priceless in this one

 Grandma kept them well fed as always and entertained around the house with Kinex. Here they are with a few of their creations.

We missed the boys while they were gone, but I have to admit that the house was a whole lot quieter.

On Friday we drove down as a family to get the boys. We spent a couple of days chillin' in the beautiful weather. We went out to Sand Hollow on Saturday, climbed around the rocks and had a leisurely day in the sand and the sun.

Screen shot from Jessie's Instagram  of the day.

We drove home Sunday morning, in time to make it back for our ward conference...and for Angie to teach her Primary class.

Thanks again Howard and Jacque! The boys had a week that they will always remember!

A Woman with Something to Say

A good amount of time has been spent recently at our house on the topic of the group "Ordain Women" and all the noise surrounding their opinions and methods. I have two teenage daughters (I count Grace, even though she's just turning 12). So it matters to me to have some discussion with them about this. The other day I stopped Jessie on her way to bed and asked her what she had heard about it, and her thoughts. We had a good talk.

There's a lot of chatter (not all productive) about it on social media and the blog network. I have a few friends sympathetic to the ordination of women to the priesthood, and I have wanted to say something...officially...in writing. Even though only a handful of people read  this. I want to say what I think.

I am a DAUGHTER OF GOD. I know this. This is my PRIMARY IDENTITY. I have faith that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I believe that he restored his church on the earth almost 200 years ago now, and endowed it with priesthood authority. I honor that priesthood and respect the men who hold and serve with that authority. I expect them to respect me.

I am an equal partner with my husband. I am a MOTHER. This is my identity not only because I have (as many have pointed out) more than the average number of children (by about 3 times). Motherhood is a deep topic. One that I think we have merely scratched the surface of in this mortal life. 

Creation. The nurturing of new beings. 

There is no greater influence. In the eternities, I believe we will see a complete realization and understanding of this role.

Neal Maxwell said this...and I believe it with all my heart:

               “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of  women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? "

This is where I think so many get off when it comes to the roles of women in the kingdom of God. Where women themselves misunderstand the importance of their womanhood / motherhood. When I think about eternal life, my motherhood moves into a clearer light; out of the fog of drudging menial work, late nights, falling behind in fashion, putting up with the disrespect of the little/big people we spend our lives serving, science projects, tight budgets, and fatigue.... MOTHERHOOD in this life is a revelation which teaches us the subtle lessons of GODHOOD -- unconditional love, sacrifice, and through it all a growing sense of joy and SELF WORTH. 

But there is another dimension of godhood, corresponding to our complimentary genders: PRIESTHOOD, the role of standing as intermediary (see LDS Bible Dictionary "priest") and the responsibility to preside. I think this is the stumbling block for many, this presiding part. In this mortal life it's more visible, and for many that equates to more importance. But this is not so in the eyes of God. 

I can understand, from a worldly perspective, why it would seem unfair. Over the years sometimes I have thought that my role is less important. I mean, I don't get any money or recognition doing what I do (what a stupid, short-sighted measure of the worth of my role). This was due to a lack of understanding on my part, not a reality.

Motherhood has taught me the beautiful irony that Jesus articulated, "...whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister." (Mark 10:43) I could not have learned (and I continue to learn) these deep and mysterious truths in any other way. So much of it is beyond words to express. In my opinion, the full appreciation of motherhood is one of the mysteries of godliness, for us to discover by the spirit.

Priesthood, in it's way, teaches this same lessons to those who have been entrusted with it. I imagine, in the same way my husband learns deep and unspeakable truths about selflessness, service, God's love for his children, and his worth through the exercise of the priesthood. 

It disturbs me to see some who profess (I assume sincerely) to have testimonies of the authority of the restored church of Jesus Christ, challenge key doctrines of that church. To me it makes no sense. It's either true or it's not. If it's true, then demanding that the leadership of that church change a central doctrine to accommodate your opinions is a ridiculous exercise. They do not have the authority to change something that God has established.

If, on the other hand, you believe that they could change the doctrine if they wanted to, you cannot believe that the doctrine comes from God, and by extension, the church must not be true. You cannot have it both ways.

Or, if you sincerely believe that God might one day authorize the ordaining of women, demanding it out of his time frame in public spectacles seems like a modern day steadying of the ark.

No matter how you look at it, it is a logical fallacy, reminding me of Korihor's absurd explanation for his preistcraft: that an "angel" told him to preach that there was no God. It makes no sense. (Book of Mormon - Alma chapter 30)

And yet, I see academic arguments or cute-and-clever blog posts incorporating Mormon-ads boldly calling for the ordination of women or at very least criticizing the church for their response... all of them somehow dodging the obvious. This is God's church or it is not. If it is, then it is up to us to reconcile ourselves to his plan and our roles within it...not vise versa. If it's not God's church...there's no reason to hang around.

The whole thing saddens me. That some of my sisters in the gospel are confused about the value of their role in the kingdom of God, and letting that doubt become more important than their faith (see Elder Oaks talk from LDS Gen. Conf. Oct. 2013).  Don't we all have questions and gaps in our understanding that we have to reconcile with God's plan for us? The thing is, if we put our faith first he fills in our gaps of understanding. Over time we come to see as he sees. That is the point of this life. 

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)  

God's ways are not our ways. And I, for one, am grateful for that.

Tradition!

It's time for me to resurface here on JtSD. Many things have happened since my last post, one of which was my 39th birthday. It was a great birthday with many well-wishes from friends & siblings, celebratory meals with our parents and old friends, surprises, gifts...and a little reflection. Entering your 40th year gives you cause for reflection.

Like most people, I have those nagging questions that linger in the back of my mind:

* Am I doing what matters most in life? Have I wasted my time or talents?

* Am I satisfied with the person I have become / am becoming?

* Am I happy?

* Are my relationships with those I love as strong as they should be?


Nearing middle-age,  I can honestly say that I am more often content with the answers to these questions than I was 10 or 20 years ago. I am less frantic about being perfect, more at peace with myself and others. However, with life as busy as it is in this stage of my life (with toddlers and teenagers, and everything in between), I have to make a conscious effort to keep things in perspective. Usually when I am not running around taking care of business, I prefer to do NOTHING. Maybe it's the "natural man" being lazy, or maybe it's a need for down time in my hectic life...but if I don't make a conscious decision, it is easy to disengage. As a result, I find that activities with the family or strengthening relationships fall to the bottom of my list.

So, at this stage of my life I am especially grateful for the efforts of others in making these things happen. I am grateful that my mom's siblings send out a letter every month in turn, sharing their wisdom and stories from their lives. They are often funny, and always inspiring. I am grateful that my sister Beth stops by most every week to visit. I love those talks. I am grateful for my parents and Mike's parents who call to check in, and come by and listen. I am grateful for old friends who make getting together every birthday a priority. I am grateful that Mike thinks of fun stuff to do with the kids, when all of my energy is sapped in the practical pursuits of life. I am grateful that my family gets together every St. Patrick's Day (in addition to the other bigger holidays) to celebrate...because we are Sullivan's after all. I am grateful that my mom continues to put it together.

After the corned beef and cabbage

Irish dance moves.
My camera ran out of batteries right after this or I would also have included pictures of the treasure hunt and yearly airing of "Darby O'Gill and the Little People"

I was thinking today about how important family traditions are. They are a kind of anchor for our identity. When my kids go out into the world, they will take these memories, and the bonds they forged with family during these occasions. They will take the self-worth that comes from knowing who they are and where they belong.
And that is a great gift.

To my knowledge the celebration of St. Patrick's Day is new to our family, only since my siblings and I have had kids. But before that there were the Rogers family honky-tonk, and rock-n-roll jam sessions / dancing (always dancing), Sampson family devotionals, reunions, horse packing and camping trips, holidays...these are the moments that make a meaningful life. Not the driving, driving, and more driving, endless errands, and laundry (laundry is my nemesis), bills (also my nemesis)...not the hundreds of urgency's that fill our daily lives.

Going forward into middle age and beyond, I want to make our family traditions and nurturing relationships with those I love bigger priorities in my life.