.JPG) |
|
It's that time of year. I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and the Christmas spirit. When I was a kid I never had a problem feeling the magic of Christmas, or hope for the future. This is not surprising, because like a lot of kids I didn't have much stress. For most of us something happens in adulthood when the realities and burdens of life elbow their way in, especially when those realities are unrelenting for extended periods of time, and take center stage. It's not always easy to let ourselves be light-hearted. Sometimes the best we can muster for Christmas is a weary and momentary withdrawing from our worries, a quick, breather from the weight of living. But the truth is the magic is not just for children. Those grown-up burdens and struggles are the key to unlocking the purity of Christmas in our hearts again. Because they help us learn to rely on Christ. This mortal life is not something we can always control; everything we struggle to obtain or overcome is temporary. What matters is that we come to know and love Christ and love each other.
I wanted to share a story that my dear friend Jenn Andrus Wheeler related of her own experience. Mike saw it on Facebook yesterday and read it to me last night. It brought me to tears -- and brought gratitude and joy to my heart. I asked her if I could share it. I hope you all feel the joy of Christmas this year.
______________________________________
Merry Christmas to you all! We were challenged to "Share the Gift" of Christmas at church today, so I am. I hope you will all enjoy the video on lds.org, and I wanted to share a memorable Christmas I had quite awhile ago now...it'll probably end up being a short story. Please bear with me; it's worth it.
I've shared bits and pieces of this story with many people whenever I felt it was needed. However, while I was going through this period of time, I did not share what was going on...and when I did, it was only small bits and pieces with a very few people. I had decided a long time ago to try and be positive as best as I could because I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer (no offense to any of you named Debbie ). I share this with you because this is the Christmas I feel I came to truly understand what Christmas is all about.
It was the fall/winter of 2004. We had been living in a small 126 yr old home called the "Love Shack." Josh was told it was called the love shack because your wife would really have to love you to live there We moved in to this home in the summer of 2004 because at the time, it was all we could afford...our other option was a tent. Josh had a job, but the business was struggling...they kept promising to pay him, but they were 2 months behind. The company ended up going bankrupt, which meant Josh was now out of work, and we were totally out of money (this was in October). Josh had also been struggling with deep depression for several years...although I didn't fully understand that at the time because depression was not something I had experienced up to that point. I went back to school that August to work on a masters degree in speech language pathology thinking if I had to work, this would be a good "mom" job.
To help you better picture this "lovely" home we lived in...it had 1 bedroom (yep, we all slept in the same room...the kids' bunk bed was right next to our bed, and they'd jump off the top bunk onto our bed thinking this was a great indoor trampoline), a tiny living room (it fit our couch and TV), a small kitchen that didn't even have enough room for a dining table (so we used TV trays in the tiny living room), and a bathroom that had been added onto the house 60 years earlier that was sloughing off the shoddy foundation; it was like walking into a fun house - everything was slanted, and when you showered, you'd better make sure you had good footing. We joked that we could sit on the couch, answer the front door, and flip the eggs on the stove at the same time (I kid you not...it was that small). The roof was is great need of repair...Josh had fixed the leaks with lots of tar and a few shingles. The outside was falling apart too. We felt the house looked like we felt...our life was falling apart, and so were we. To make matters worse, the furnace didn't work. We had 1 little space heater to help warm up whatever room we were in at the time.
Josh had been talking to his uncle Joel about moving to CA to help him start up a teak furniture business in Buena Park for close to a year. That October, Joel asked Josh if he'd like to move out and help start up the business. Josh JUMPED at the opportunity. This was the first glimmer of hope I'd seen in his eyes in about 3-4 years.
That November Josh went to Thailand for 2 weeks with his uncle and his uncle's business partner, Ray, to buy more furniture. When they got back, Josh was gone another 1-2 weeks helping move furniture. While they were there, our car broke down and needed $8000 worth of repair...we opted for having only the mandatory repairs done to get the car running for $3300 knowing more repairs were needed soon. Josh would not start getting paid for working for his uncle until the end of December.
We had no money for Christmas gifts...yet, feeling like we wanted to give our kids a happy Christmas, we went ahead and bought a couple of small gifts (thanks to VISA). The bills were piling up, and I was experiencing depression myself.
To top this all off, the kids and I woke up to ice inside the house several days in a row while Josh was gone,and we came down with colds.
Despite our difficult circumstances, life seemed to be going on amazingly well for all those around us...Christmas festivities and lights were all around us, we were surrounded by family who loved us, and this was a joyous time of the year...and we were very good at putting on a positive face and doing our best to enjoy the season, but the reality of the situation was I felt very little joy or light in my life at that moment...and I felt very alone despite being surrounded by loved ones.
I had a major melt down while Josh was gone. I simply could not live like this anymore...I thought I could for a long time...after all, others were worse off than I was. We at least had a roof over our head, clothes to wear, and we had food to eat. I came to realize it wasn't the lack of material goods that I was really struggling with...I was losing hope, and this was a first for me.
I knelt down on my kitchen floor while my kids were playing in the bedroom and began pouring my heart out to God. I found myself saying I would do whatever He wanted me to do if He would just make things better. As I sat there for awhile, I felt a peace come over me that is difficult to explain...a love that is tangible yet invisible to the eye. That was the gift I needed at that very moment. While new clothes, a big home with a furnace that works, reliable cars, and gifts under the Christmas tree are wonderful...they do not compare to the light, love and peace that come from Christ. I felt hopeful that things would get better...and they did; our life improved dramatically over the next few years. Whenever I have turned to Christ throughout my life for help, comfort, guidance, and peace, He has never let me down.
Christ has held me to that promise to do whatever He asks, and it's been difficult at times, but I've learned over and over that I'm always blessed with more than I ever give.
Whenever the kids and I talk about which Christmases they remember most, this is top on the list. Because they each only got 2 small gifts, they still remember what they got...and they thoroughly enjoyed playing with those toys. We moved in with Josh's parents for the month of December before we moved to California, and the kids loved spending so much time with their grandparents and cousins too.
Because God loves us, He did give us the gift of His son. I believe in Christ. I believe that He is our Savior. I have hope for a better world because of Him. Truly, He understands us and all that we're going through because He has experienced it.
So, if you find yourself struggling this Christmas or at any other time, I encourage you to simply get on your knees and pour your heart out to God, our Heavenly Father, and ask for His help. If you do, I know you'll feel His love and Jesus Christ's love for you...just like I have. Love has a remarkable way of healing us and helping us move forward no matter how difficult our circumstances may be. I have learned for myself that their love is truly unconditional...no matter what we've done, they still love us. They allow consequences to follow our actions, but their love for us never waivers. While this may seem difficult to believe...it's true.
I hope that you'll each search for "the Gift" this Christmas season, and my wish is that you'll all find it. I hope that this Christmas season is one of your best!
I love you all and am grateful for the influence you've had in my life.
Jenn